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What I want: setting and visualising goals.

A big part of the Paul McKenna approach is setting goals and visualising them. I’ve always had problems with this.  I have a fear of success and a fear of failure. It plays out in work, love life and in my fitness journey. But it’s time to visualise those goals and where I’d like to be one year from now.

Weight goals: Right now I’ve put a weight goal of 150. That’s the top of the ‘healthy range’ on BMI for my height. But I’m not sure if that’s really what I want. I know I’d like to be in the 10/12 range (US sizes), fit, healthy and strong.  But weight is an easier measure than size. Even though it fluctuates it’s a more solid measure than clothing sizes…which vary from store to store…and the attractiveness and fitness of this size varies  from person to person.

Looking at a website called My Body Gallery which has pictures of real women my height and in the top end of my aspirational clothing size I see my goal…especially if I’m fit and muscular…could be anywhere between 175 and 190. And that’s really exciting, because 40 pounds away feels much closer than 80 pounds away.  But 40 pounds is still a lot.  Maybe when I get there, I need to re-evaluate. There’s  nothing wrong with that.

Health: I want to be fit. I want to be able to run and chase after my son who is getting faster and faster. One year from now I want to have played one season of women’s rugby – without injury.  I want to be free of depression and to be mentally focused and strong. I’d love to be able to do a full set of Bikram yoga – to   get into the positions and have that flexibility.

Career: I want to find a new job (of course), but I want to be satisfied in my role and making good bucks.  I think I’d like a role in knowledge management or internal comms. I think I saw a good job that I’ll apply for on Monday. 🙂

Relationships:  One year from now I want to be divorced. I think that’s the main thing. I hope we can still get along and I really hope we can be great co-parents. But I now realise that this relationship is damaging to me.  It’s emotionally abusive and stunting.  I would love to find another man to have a healthy and fulfilling adult relationship with.  But that may or may not happen within one year. But in the meantime, I’d like to date and have some fun!  And I’d like to have more fun with girlfriends, too. (No – not like that, don’t be smutty!). I really want to have a great relationship with my son. A healthy mother-son relationship. For too long, I think I’ve resented him because I’ve resented his father’s attitude toward him – that he’s too  much work, etc. etc.  I want to enjoy the good times and not feel undermined in the tough times (discipline, etc)

Financially: I want to be making good money and have enough to keep sending my son to private school and to enjoy a reasonably good standard of living. I don’t need a major holiday all the time. But I do want to be able to afford the extras like playing rugby (me and my son) and to eat lunch at Wagamamas if we want to.  I know how much this costs and I know this is within my earning power.

Spiritually: I’ve always shied away from the spiritual side of my nature, I think because I feel deeply uncomfortable with myself. But the yoga has been really helpful to connect with my sense of myself and my connection with the universe. There’s a long way to go with that too – but I want to stop feeling squidgy about the whole concept of spirtuality. I want to feel whole and happy.



Day 5: stopped up

I’m still sick,  but slept a lot and a feel a little better. Exercise But it means I haven’t been doing much moving around. Which feels really weird right now. However, I did get out the wii-fit board today for the first time. It’s actually not too bad. I did 30 minutes trying out the yoga and aerobic exercizes. But I got that weird clammy sweat you get when you have a cold and not that “Hey, I’m working out” sweat.

I was a bit worried it would tell me my weight and I have 10 more days to go before I’m supposed to weigh myself again. But it tells you your BMI. No less distressing in one way, but still!

Food: It’s also difficult to enjoy your food when you have a cold. But I think I did ok…probably ate a bit past fullness.

 Water: no and no and no…needed to drink more. You know wrap up, plenty of fluids… well I didn’t.

Motivation and affirmation: well, I took some pics of myself today in tight clothes. Hopefully that will keep me motivated at some point in the future.

Day One: or Hello World!

I’m unfit. I’m fat. I’m unhappy. I’m unemployed and I’m in a bad marriage. But I plan to transform my life through Bikram Yoga, generally improving my fitness, changing my relationship with food and one season of women’s rugby.

Why Rugby?

Not entirely sure. But I like the atmosphere. I signed my son up for regular weekend practice. I don’t really understand the rules of rugby. I’m an ‘experiential’ person – so learn best by doing.  A couple of people suggested I give it a try. Why not?  It looks fun.  I’m quite far from doing the rugby specific training. But I am doing the Couch to 5 K programme (free podcasts from the NHS) which gets you running and weight training three times a week to build my stamina and strength.  The Bikram yoga also helps with stamina, flexibility, core strength and grip.

Why Yoga?

A friend suggested it. I gave it a try. She promised me that I could lose a dress size in a month of going 3 to 4 times a week. Not quite sure I have, but when you weigh as much as I do dress sizes are pretty far between.  I have definitely lost inches. But the first time I weighed myself – after almost four weeks of Bikram, I found I’d GAINED 11 lbs.  Freaked me out. I figure I lost  7 of those over the weekend (using a different set of scales) by ensuring I was drinking enough water and taking electrolyte supplements.  Using the same set of scales (at home) I lost another 2 pounds.

I do find the Bikram Yoga pretty addictive. I did a 30 day intro deal and have just bought another 3 months. I’ll reassess then as it’s pretty expensive. But I’d love to get as far as I can in my practice in that time and then roll back to a lower intensity.

Changing my relationship with food?

I’m using the Paul McKenna “I Can Make You Thin” system. I’ve used it before. It really works. But it’s not immune to the power of my intensive self-sabotage and deliberately giving up on the approach.  This time I going to use the 90 day success journal approach.  And I’m going to record it here on a DAILY basis. I’ve always found blogging easier than journalling.  However, due to copyright issues I’ll be recording an amended approach covering.

Food, Water, Exercise, Affirmation and motivation.