Daily check in: what day is this anyway?

Food: Hmmm…had a bit of a slip up when I had M&Ms for dinner, but I did eat them slowly. Otherwise I did ok.

Water: I did pretty good today. Drank quite a bit.

Exercise: I did the second day of week 3 in the Couch 2 5 K and did some resistance training. I TRIED to use a new weightlifting app which helps you keep track of completed sets, but I find it really difficult to use. And I think I’m pretty tech savvy. Disappointing.  I also did Bikram yoga today and had a great class.  I’ve been pushing myself a little harder in class and although it’s really hard I’m feeling really great about it.

I am a bit concerned that I’ve been doing the C25K on the treadmill. I think I’ll try to do it outside next time (i.e. Friday). Since the whole point of running is to be running on the rugby pitch…need to do it outside.

Motivation and affirmation: I haven’t been working the Paul McKenna programme like I should – reading the daily exercises and doing the self-affirmation programme like I should. But I am looking at my body in a more accepting way in the mirror in yoga. I will catch up tomorrow.  I also missed out on listening to the trance over the weekend…and then weirdly didn’t listen to it when I was back on my own.  But I listened last night and will again tonight.

Daily check-in: catch up

Oh dear. I’ve missed a few days. I went off and had a great time in Central London with a visiting friend.  We walked around a lot. We did yoga.  I had a marvellous time and bought a dress I look amazing in.  I ate too much.  But not way too much.

Yesterday I resumed by Couch to 5 K programme with the first day of week 3. Each new ‘week’ I dread the workout, but so far it’s always turned out to be fine.

I had a brilliant yoga session yesterday with a teacher I’ve been wanting to try. It was fantastic. It was probably the best session I’ve ever had where I pushed myself the farthest.  I really wanted to take a class with her because I believed she could help me find the best modifications to postures that I can’t quite do yet and I was right!

Interestingly she didn’t hesitate to touch me in the class. In the cobra position she actually squeezed my legs together with her legs. This was kinda funny because I’d just had a long conversation with my friend I spent the weekend with about whether it’s appropriate for yoga instructors to touch you in class.  I think it can be very helpful.  She’s an instructor and she doesn’t think it’s right.  But she also used words like ‘liability’ – I guess that’s the difference in teaching in America.  To me I’ve found it very helpful every time I’ve been touched in class, BUT…it could easily mess you up, too.

Yesterday I also went for a run. But today…nothing. I did go to Chessington though… which is a fair bit of walking around!

What I want: setting and visualising goals.

A big part of the Paul McKenna approach is setting goals and visualising them. I’ve always had problems with this.  I have a fear of success and a fear of failure. It plays out in work, love life and in my fitness journey. But it’s time to visualise those goals and where I’d like to be one year from now.

Weight goals: Right now I’ve put a weight goal of 150. That’s the top of the ‘healthy range’ on BMI for my height. But I’m not sure if that’s really what I want. I know I’d like to be in the 10/12 range (US sizes), fit, healthy and strong.  But weight is an easier measure than size. Even though it fluctuates it’s a more solid measure than clothing sizes…which vary from store to store…and the attractiveness and fitness of this size varies  from person to person.

Looking at a website called My Body Gallery which has pictures of real women my height and in the top end of my aspirational clothing size I see my goal…especially if I’m fit and muscular…could be anywhere between 175 and 190. And that’s really exciting, because 40 pounds away feels much closer than 80 pounds away.  But 40 pounds is still a lot.  Maybe when I get there, I need to re-evaluate. There’s  nothing wrong with that.

Health: I want to be fit. I want to be able to run and chase after my son who is getting faster and faster. One year from now I want to have played one season of women’s rugby – without injury.  I want to be free of depression and to be mentally focused and strong. I’d love to be able to do a full set of Bikram yoga – to   get into the positions and have that flexibility.

Career: I want to find a new job (of course), but I want to be satisfied in my role and making good bucks.  I think I’d like a role in knowledge management or internal comms. I think I saw a good job that I’ll apply for on Monday. 🙂

Relationships:  One year from now I want to be divorced. I think that’s the main thing. I hope we can still get along and I really hope we can be great co-parents. But I now realise that this relationship is damaging to me.  It’s emotionally abusive and stunting.  I would love to find another man to have a healthy and fulfilling adult relationship with.  But that may or may not happen within one year. But in the meantime, I’d like to date and have some fun!  And I’d like to have more fun with girlfriends, too. (No – not like that, don’t be smutty!). I really want to have a great relationship with my son. A healthy mother-son relationship. For too long, I think I’ve resented him because I’ve resented his father’s attitude toward him – that he’s too  much work, etc. etc.  I want to enjoy the good times and not feel undermined in the tough times (discipline, etc)

Financially: I want to be making good money and have enough to keep sending my son to private school and to enjoy a reasonably good standard of living. I don’t need a major holiday all the time. But I do want to be able to afford the extras like playing rugby (me and my son) and to eat lunch at Wagamamas if we want to.  I know how much this costs and I know this is within my earning power.

Spiritually: I’ve always shied away from the spiritual side of my nature, I think because I feel deeply uncomfortable with myself. But the yoga has been really helpful to connect with my sense of myself and my connection with the universe. There’s a long way to go with that too – but I want to stop feeling squidgy about the whole concept of spirtuality. I want to feel whole and happy.



Day 5: stopped up

I’m still sick,  but slept a lot and a feel a little better. Exercise But it means I haven’t been doing much moving around. Which feels really weird right now. However, I did get out the wii-fit board today for the first time. It’s actually not too bad. I did 30 minutes trying out the yoga and aerobic exercizes. But I got that weird clammy sweat you get when you have a cold and not that “Hey, I’m working out” sweat.

I was a bit worried it would tell me my weight and I have 10 more days to go before I’m supposed to weigh myself again. But it tells you your BMI. No less distressing in one way, but still!

Food: It’s also difficult to enjoy your food when you have a cold. But I think I did ok…probably ate a bit past fullness.

 Water: no and no and no…needed to drink more. You know wrap up, plenty of fluids… well I didn’t.

Motivation and affirmation: well, I took some pics of myself today in tight clothes. Hopefully that will keep me motivated at some point in the future.

Day 4/90: cold

Food: Ughhh I have a cold. I did pretty well with food considering. Enjoyed what I ate, stopped when I was full or close to it.

Water: Definitely need to take in more fluids. Feel thirsty.

Exercise: Nope. But I did a lot of cleaning today.  I really wanted to start my week three of the running programme. But I’m clearly not in shape for that.

Motivation and affirmation: well, I stayed positive even though I was trying on dresses that were a bit too small today. Finally found one that looked amazing! A classic little black number. I didn’t buy the one that was a little too small. I bought the one that looks good now. Because I deserve to look great now!

Day 3/90:


I’m really struggling on the food. Under the Paul McKenna plan, you’re supposed to eat when you’re hungry and not let yourself get ravenously hungry.  But when I decided to take a later yoga class than I’d planned it meant that I went into yoga class not just a little hungry (good – really works for me) but quite hungry  (bad, feel a bit faint). The point at which I should be eating.  But eating before yoga is – well, it makes me sick.  I guess I need to find an easily digestible food I can really enjoy.

Water: I did ok. Could probably drink more.

Excercise:  Ninety minutes of Bikram yoga! Fourth day in a row. Meant to get out for a walk, but didn’t.

Motivation and affirmation:  I had a bad day self-affirmation wise.  But I am able to meet my gaze more easily in the mirrors now. One really great thing that happened today was I noticed that someone I had encouraged to come back to yoga was still coming and doing really well! I felt really good that the support I’d given her after that first tough class really worked…even though I was having a tough class.    I’m looking forward to starting Week 3 of the Couch 2 5 K tomorrow and maybe going into town and visiting a gallery.  But I’m feeling a bit coldy. I’m not gonna push myself too hard if I don’t feel great tomorrow.

Day 2: Sweat

Food: Today I did pretty well with the food. Enjoyed and savoured everything I ate. I had to modify the Paul McKenna approach a little as I made myself a smoothie for lunch and drank all of it. It’s hard to really eat a smoothie slowly, but I sure as heck savoured it. I was hungry after my morning in the gym, but knew I couldn’t eat much if I was doing Bikram yoga at 4.  Nothing as yucky as Bikram on a full-ish tummy!  And even though I ate late, I made the right choice as just before I hit yoga I was a ‘leetle’ bit hungry. Perfect.

I didn’t manage to quite stop when I was full at dinner. I had a few extra bites. But it was so scrummy. Asparagus, shrimp, peppers and a bit of rice.  Couldn’t have eaten way too much as I think I’m hungry even now.

Water:  I drank tons of water today and electrolyte supplements. But I need to drink more. I sweated TONS today. I’m thirsty now!

Exercise: I finished the Couch to 5K Week 2 today!!! Yee-haw! And I did a good set of resistance afterwards. As a big girl but not a tall girl, I know if I’m gonna play rugby, it’s probably gonna be in the front row. I need to have that strength and power. So time to start working on that strength.  I know I need to start working on biceps and triceps but vanity and the need to put my arms through sleeves have held me back – as my arms are ridiculously fat.

Then I took a Bikram yoga class with my favourite teacher today. She’s always so laid back, telling us not to push ourselves – yet I always end up making some kind of really (small, but) amazing progress in her class.  I started off class quite rocky today, muscles feeling shaky after the running and weight-lifting, but finished strongly.

Motivation and self-affirmation: I tried to look at myself with acceptance and I tried to (with the guidance of the instructor) use a series of mantras to keep my mind focused during the class. I used visualisation techniques to see myself as slimmer, healthier and muscular.

One really awesome thing that happened today was I got praised in yoga for my improvement and for how much weight I’d lost. She said it was an incredible amount.  I got to hide my smile as we went into a deep bend.  I’ve gained 2 pounds since starting yoga six weeks ago! Tomorrow I’m looking forward to some more exercise and maybe a little dress shopping. Who knows?